Salafiyyah Royal Rumble: Who is upon the Manjah? (Parody)

“And upon that Day We will leave some of them to surge against others; (Literally: Some of them against some others) and the Trumpet will be blown; then We will gather them in (one) gathering.” (Qur’an 18:99)

This year’s Salafiyyah Royal Rumble seeks to answer the only question that matters.  

WHO IS UPON THE MANHAJ? LIVE AT WEMBLEY STADIUM  

The rules are simple. Once a man goes over the top rope and the feet touches the floor they will be eliminated. There will be 30 men competing to be ‘The Oneupon the Manhaj. All men’s names and numbers have been selected by casting lots. We start off with one man followed by the no.2.  

Every 2 minutes a new entrant will enter the ring. There are no referees. This year all contestants have been retrofitted with special microphones near the top of the collar bone on their wrestling gear. This way if they have anything they would like to say to the crowd or each other it will be on record.  

Our commenters at ring side are:  

Jim Ross: Jim Ross is well-known and respected as a play-by-play commentator for the WWE. 

Joe Rogan: Joe Rogan is known and respected as a play-by-play commentator for the UFC. 

Hamza Yusuf: Hamza Yusuf is an American neo-traditionalist Islamic scholar and co-founder of Zaytuna College.  

We are live here at the Wembley Stadium with a sold-out capacity crowd of over 90,000!  

ENTRANT 1: Shaykh Uthman ibn Farooq  [colossal pop from the crowd]

Shaykh Uthman: “Hello I am Uthman ibn Farooq. Yes, I am here to show you people what it’s all about. I am the one upon the Manhaj. I have been stabbed for the Daw’ah. You haven’t seen these fools get stabbed for the Daw’ah have you? So come on out nerds and I’ll bust your skull, because I am the one upon the Qur’an and the Sunnah.”  

The fans cheer until the countdown clock. They are buzzing for number 2.  

ENTRANT 2: Shaykh Feiz Mohammad.   [Fans boo Shaykh Feiz as he flips off the crowd]

Shaykh Feiz walks into the ring and stands directly in front of Shaykh Uthman. He grabs the mic. 

Shaykh Feiz Mohammad: “Shaykh Uthman ibn Farooq you’re a dumb jerk who thinks he is upon the Manhaj! In San Diego, that one city you are a big fish in a little pond. Whereas in Australia I am a whale in a teacup!” [with that Shaykh Feiz and Shaykh Uthman begin reigning blows upon each other]  

 The fans cheer wildly. Shaykh Feiz looks at the crowd like “should I, do it?” and they all boo heavily. Shaykh Feiz with a DDT to Shaykh Uthman as his head bounces off the canvas. Shaykh Feiz goes out to the ringside and grabs a chair from under the ring. [Shaykh Uthman staggers as he gets up]. Shaykh Feiz takes the chair and before he smashes it over Shaykh Uthaman’s skull, Shaykh Uthman counters, with a jab to the eye.  

ENTRANT 3: Hamza Andreas Tzortzis   [colossal pop from the crowd cheering one of England’s own]

Uthman and Feiz brawl for a bit, as we are teased eliminations from both men left and right. It is a very exciting back and forth as Hamza enters the ring and immediately grabs Shaykh Feiz swinging him into the ropes only to drop him with an epic clothesline. This gives Shaykh Uthman a much-needed breather. Hamza goes to check on Shaykh Uthman whom takes the opportunity to gouge Hamza Tzortzis in the eyes.    

Shaykh Uthman ibn Farooq: “What you think we forgot about Ashley Madison? You think we forgot about all your moonlighting with Ghazali?”   

Meanwhile Shaykh Feiz comes from behind grabbing a stunned Hamza Tzortzis and holds him as Shaykh Farooq starts with the chops across the chest. [The crowd woo woo wooing for each chop]. Tzortzis struggles to get out of Shaykh Feiz hold as Shaykh Uthman delivers vicious chops to the chest!   

ENTRANT 4: Abu Iyaad Amjad Rafiq  

Abu Iyaad comes running to the ring and just starts going absolute ham on everybody! [Slaps to Shaykh Feiz] “Khawarij” he shouts! [Slaps to Shaykh Uthman] “Deobandi Simp” he shouts! [Slaps to Tzortzis] “Mubtadi” he shouts!  

Shaykh Feiz and Abu Iyyad squaring off as Tzortzis has Shaykh Uthman in the corner. Uthman goes for Tzortzis legs and Tzortzis puts his arm around Shaykh Uthman’s head giving him a noogie. [crowd laughs].   

Meanwhile, Shaykh Feiz has the upper hand on Abu Iyaad. In a brute show of strength, he lifts Abu Iyaad up and power bombs him on to the mat! Again, he lifts Abu Iyaad and power bombs him on to the mat!! [Let’s go Feiz the crowd chants in unison].   

ENTRANT 5: Anjem Chowdry  

[Wembley Arena visibly shocked jaws opened] Looking visibly buff from his prison stint Chowdry enters the ring and gets on the stick. He cuts a sick promo.  

Anjem Chowdry: “As a child, I had dreams of loneliness, and of a hatred that drove me mad. Of a stillness, and of sorrow, of what I never had; of what could only be. My mother thought that children should be seen and not heard. My mother thought that I as just prop for her amusement, for her idle friends. This made her feel good about herself. I was like a monkey, and she was an organ grinder, as I sat and did tricks for the adults that came over. The idle rich came by, and looked over at me as I’d recite the names of the English monarchs, forward and backwards, and backward and forward. I would recite various Shakespearean sonnets. I was surprised no one threw me money, because that’s what it felt like. The reason that….” [monologue gets interrupted as Hamza sends Shaykh Uthman crashing down on top of Chowdry]   

Anjem Chowdry takes a nasty dive down into the mat.   

ENTRANT 6: Brother Haji [From YouTube Fame]

Brother Haji rushes into the ring and starts hammering away at an already stunned Anjem Chowdry. Meanwhile Shaykh Feiz delivers his 10th powerbomb to Abu Iyyad whom at this point is lying lifeless as a rag doll.  

Commentator Jim Ross: “By God that’s a human being in there! Have mercy, Shaykh Feiz”.   

Shaykh Feiz lifts up a virtually lifeless Abu Iyyad and tosses him over the rope. [First man eliminated and crowd erupts]. Shaykh Feiz grabs Brother Haji and puts him in the torture rack. Meanwhile… Shaykh Uthman is concussed on the mat while Tzortzis takes a breather in the corner.   

ENTRANT 7: Brother Shamsi   [The audience goes ape!]

Shamsi enters the ring. He cleans house and looking into the nearest camera he discloses the following: 

Shamsi: “Time to show our brothers who is the one upon the Manhaj Salaf us Salih”.  

Brother Shamsi grabs a dazed Brother Haiji and trips him to the mat. Only to saddle on top of him and slap on a brutal cobra clutch. Shaykh Feiz and Hamza Tzortizis exchange vicious blows back and forth.  

ENTRANT 8: Woke Yasir Qadhi [Suddenly a porta appears and there is a rift in space time]  

An unidentifiable individual with long purple hair approaches the ring. As the cameras pan around the person is identified as …. Woke Yasir Qadhi!!  

Commentator Hamza Yusuf: “OMG! Woke Yasir Qadhi from an alternate dimension!!” 

Woke Yasir Qadhi: [speaking with a slight lisp] “There is no one upon the ‘manhaj’ because girlfriend just the name itself is creepy. ‘Man Haj’ no, just no! Ewww! It’s ‘personhaj’. Second, it’s simply just a construct. In my universe we did away with Superman. It’s Super person now! ‘Salaf us Salih’ pftt! There are so many holes in that narrative that…. [interrupted by a vicious elbow to the back of the head by Shamsi].  

Shamsi: “What are you? You freak! Are you a guy? Allah ordered us to kill the guys. Some sort of something. I dunno what you are but you are definitely not upon the way of the Salaaf”.  

Brother Shamsi grabs Woke Yasir Qadhi and delivers vicious knees to the face, while suddenly, Brother Haji jumps on brother Shamsi’s back and covers both of his eyes.  

Anjem Chowdry back on his feet and wobbling a bit continues his monologue: 

Anjem Chowdry: “She never loved me…she never did, and she never will. And I often wonder, maybe it was my fault…but it wasn’t. And the only thing I can think to say when I think about her and what she did to me, and the pain she caused…the hatred, and the loathing I fear, is ‘What about me? What about Anjem?” 

[crowd in sync with the countdown timer] 

ENTRANT 9: Saajid Lipham [a mix of boos and cheers from our crowd tonight]  

Saajid Lipham makes his way to the ring. Saajid assist Shamsi with brother Haji and delivers a vicious right hook followed by a clothesline Shamsi looks at Saajid approvingly. Shamsi and Saajid both lift brother Haji up and over the ring [Second man eliminated] As Shamsi and Saajid began a stare down [the crowd starts chanting Let’s go Tzortizis] and an energized Shaykh Feiz delivers an epic clothesline taking down both Shamsi and Saajid. Anjem Chowdry is still with his monologue. Woke Yasir Qadhi turns his attention to the corner with Tzortizis and Shaykh Uthman. Both Woke Yasir and Tzortizis have Shaykh Uthman over the ropes but Shaykh Uthman is holding on for dear life.  

ENTRANT 10: Shaykh Assim Hakeem  

Shaykh Assim enters the ring like a raging bull, and spears Woke Yasir Qadhi, saving Shaykh Uthman from certain elimination. Shaykh Assim gives a little misdirection and a fake to Sheikh Feiz before he cuts him down to size as well. Shaykh Assim just driving the shoulders in and now a right hand to the jaw of Sheikh Feiz.  

Hamza Tzortizis on his feet stomping away on a downed brother Shamsi. Saajid slithers up behind Hamza and delivers a low blow to the groin area. Shaykh Uthman applauding as Saajid and Uthman began stomping Hamza in the corner. Meanwhile Anjem Chowdry continues the monologue: 

Anjem Chowdry: “Trust and hate, and love and fate, and I don’t understand. Social grace, the human race, confuse me. These words I speak bring forth a world of emotions. Emotions of dreams lost, dreams found, and dreams I’ll never see. So, it is written. So, it shall come to pass. But the question is, will I, or will I not be Cody Rhodes partner at Summer Slam? But isn’t that the same question that I’ve been asked time and time again since my childhood? Isn’t the question really ‘Are there any dreams I’d like to sell?’ 

[crowd in sync with the countdown timer] 

ENTRANT 11: Farid Responds: From YouTube fame.  

Farid Responds slowly makes his way to the ring drinking from a large Starbucks Trenta. Deliberately walks over to Anjem Chowdry who briefly stops his monologue. Grabs the mic from Anjem. 

Farid Responds: “What the hell are you talking about? Are you high? I mean I just chugged down a 31-ounce Iced Caramel Macchiato, and I maybe a little wired up but Bruh are you good? What is this I see around me? Salafi fighting Salafi? This, this is no Bueno!” [Brother Shami quickly snatches the mic from Farid]. 

Brother Shamsi: “Anyone high around here it is you! Farid? Who do you think you are to respond to anyone?” [Farid deadpan staring at Shamsi] “Last I checked I was refuting the Ahl El Hawa and you were hanging around people like that Chubby Whataburger Shaykh Uthman!”  

Farid Responds: “I find all these obese people jokes horrible. Don’t you think they have enough on their plate?” 

Brother Shamsi: “Ha! I see what you did there! But you still running away from the question…. [gets cut off by Shaykh Uthman] 

Shaykh Uthman: [breathing hard] “Boy! Shamsi did you just make a fat joke about me? Well, ‘Shamsi’, you maybe from the sun, but I am about to send you to the moon” [Shaykh Uthman head buts Shamsi on the nose and the two of them start scrapping].  

Meanwhile, Woke Yasir Qadhi is on the top ropes about to bring a world of glorious purple hair and wokeness down upon Farid. Farid moves out of the way and Woke Yasir Qadhi catches Saajid instead. Sheikh Feiz with a huge Hulk Hogan style leg drop on Woke Yasir Qadhi. Tzortizis still recovering from his groin injury. Shaykh Assim from behind with a German Suplex to Sheikh Feiz. Saajid recovers and stares down Farid. 

Saajid Lipham: “What was that ‘brother’ Farid?” 

Farid Responds: “What do you mean? I simply stepped out of the way and you caught one from Woke Yasir Qadhi.”  

Saajid Lipham: “Watch your back Farid, watch your back.”  

Farid Responds: “Oh I will.”  

[crowd in sync with the countdown timer] 

4  

3  

2  

1  

ENTRANT 12: Abu Hakim Bilal Davis  [crowd with loud boos]

Abu Hakim Bilal Davis comes down and delivers a vicious spear to brother Farid. [Saajid cackles over a downed Farid] Tzortizis delivers an RKO on Saajid and plants his face flat on the mat. [this gets a huge pop from the crowd]. Shaykh Assim and Abu Hakim start double teaming Tzortizis. A bloodied Shamsi recoils from a furious Shaykh Uthman who delivers a whirlwind of haymakers. Shamsi lifts Shaykh Uthman up into the air and Tzortizis takes quick advantage kicking Shamsi in the back thus sending Shaykh Uthman over the top ropes. [Third man eliminated] Shaykh Uthman is furious as he heads back to the locker room. 

Hamza Tzortizis: “That was for the Ashley Madison comment home boy!”  

Shamsi turns his attention to Tzortizis whom is already in trouble. It is a three on one beat down as Tzortizis is barely able to stand in the corner.  

ENTRANT 13: Saboor Ahmad [another huge pop from the crowd]  

Saboor like lightning hits the ring, F5 to Shamsi, F5 to Abu Hakim, F5 to Shaykh Assim, F5 to Woke Yasir Qadhi. Checks on Hamza Tzortizis. [the crowd is really going wild] Shamsi, Abu Hakim and Shaykh Assim now to their feet standing in one corner. A battered Hamza, a fresh Saboor and the warrior Sheikh Feiz stand in the other corner. Farid and Woke Yasir Qadhi are both still laid out.  

The two groups rush each other, Shaykh Assim and Shaykh Feiz going at it. Hamza and Abu Hakim trade blows. Saboor taking the offence to Shamsi. Saboor has Shamsi almost over the ropes when suddenly Saajid pops up. [What is this? Saajid Lipham taking something from his trousers? They are knuckledusters!] Saajid Lipham throws them to Shamsi who delivers a strong blow to Saboor leaving him concussed on the mat. [Saajid snickering] Hamza Tzortizis manages to get Abu Hakim over the top ropes and sends him crashing down on the mat. [Fourth man eliminated as the crowd is on their feet]. Hamza comes rushing in with a furious double clothesline on Saajid and Shamsi. Sheikh Feiz from behind delivers a nasty DDT to Hamza. [crowd booing]. Anjem Chowdry continues his monologue.  

Anjem Chowdry: “I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t alone, even when my parents were around. The sound of their fury was harsh, but the sound of their silence was deafening. It’s devastation that left me buried beneath a mountain of solitude. My loneliness and despair trapped me in a storm of unimaginable emptiness. What about me? What about Anjem? The other kids playing ball outside, and me with them was an illusion I’d allow myself, but the stark reality was even if my parents would have allowed me to leave my bedroom dwell, the other kids wouldn’t have allowed me to join in anyway. They said I didn’t follow their rules. Their stupid rules.” 

ENTRANT 14: Abdul Hamid (Hyde Park) 

Brother Abdul Hamid comes rushing down to the ring only to find himself face to face with Sheikh Feiz. The two size each other up. But before they trade blows, as if psionically synced they deliver a double clothesline to Shaykh Assim. This is followed by a double bulldog to both of them from Woke Yasir Qadhi. Woke Yasir Qadhi struts and prances around the ring like a rainbow pony from hell! Suddenly, Woke Yasir Qadhi comes face to face with Farid. Farid is back up and delivers a GTS (Go to Sleep) on Woke Yasir Qadhi.  

Commentator Hamza Yusuf Hanson: “I guess he’s woke no more. More like asleep ha ha!”  

Commentator Joe Rogan: “Good night princess.”  

Farid is running rampant and takes the fighting to everyone. It is getting cray, cray tbqh(to be quite honest). Just a lot of brawling at this point, fun moves and cool moments abound. Honestly the crowd is eating it up.  

[crowd in sync with the countdown timer] 

ENTRANT 15: Abu Khadeejah [booing from the crowd. People in the audience begin to throw things at him].  

Abu Khadeejah surveys the ring as he takes note of the ensuing chaos. Abu Khadeejah catches Abdul Hamid by surprise and throws him over the top rope. [Fifth man eliminated]. Saboor Ahmad who can barely stand after being concussed by Shamsi is trying to get up to his feet. Abu Khadeejah takes note of this and orders Shamsi and Shaykh Assim to throw Saboor Ahmad over the top rope [sixth man eliminated crowd booing] Saajid and Farid exchanging blows in the ring. Abu Khadeejah, Shaykh Assim and Shasmi throw Shaykh Feiz over the top ropes [seventh man eliminated]. At this moment, Abu Khadeejah and Shamsi turn on Shaykh Assim and begin to curb stomp him in the corner. Shaykh Assim trying to cover his face.  

[suddenly the sound of broken glass fills the arena and Jim Ross flips his lid. The crowd is insane] 

Commentator Jim Ross: “By Allah, By Allah it’s Stone Cold Seven Austin! What the hell is he doing here?” 

Commentator Hamza Yusuf: “He can’t do that right? I mean it’s against the rules, right?”  

Commentator: Joe Rogan: “Well, Shaykh Hamza, he’s Stone Cold he can do whatever he wants.”  

Stone Cold Steve Austin hits the ring and gives a stunner to Abu Khadeejah, stunner to Shamsi, stunner to Saajid, stunner to Farid and stunner to Hamza, stunner to Anjem Chowdry. Stone cold gets on the mic.  

Stone Cold Steve Austin: “You people can’t be doing that to Shaykh Assim! Eh Eh! In Stone Cold’s book Shaykh Assim likes to drink beer and that makes him upon the Manhaj and that’s the bottom line because Stone Cold Steve Austin said so!” [Stone Cold summons the crowd to throw some Carlsberg’s into the ring, as he and Shaykh Assim crack open some cold ones together and perform a toast].  

Stone Cold Steve Austin: “Now you get up off your Assim and show these people why you are upon the manhaj!” [Stone Cold Flips off the cameras] as he rolls out of the ring and heads back stage  

ENTRANT 16 Moderate Yasir Qadhi: [crowd visibly stunned] 

Commentator Joe Rogan: “I must be high!”  

Commentator Hamza Yusuf: “Oh I like this one he’s, my guy!”  

Commentator Jim Ross: “This is shaping up to be one hell of a night!”  

Moderate Yasir Qadhi immediately is fixated upon Abu Khadeejah. The two both lock hands, in a test of wills and strength. Yasir Qadhi twist his body quickly and delivers a Styles Clash upon Abu Khadeejah [this receives a huge pop from the crowd]. Yasir Qadhi climbs to the top rope and delivers a Shooting Star Press upon Shamsi. Picks up Saajid sends him into the ropes and delivers a nasty clothesline. Meanwhile a liquored-up Shaykh Assim and Hamza Tzortizis are fighting intensely. Hamza lifts Shaykh Assim up and over the top ropes [eighth man eliminated]. Moderate Yasir Qadhi turns and comes face to face with Woke Yasir Qadhi. The stare down is intense!  

[crowd in sync with the countdown timer] 

ENTRANT 17: Based Yasir Qadhi [crowd still in shock] 

Joe Rogan: “Three Yasir Qadhi’s? I am definitely high!” 

Commentator Jim Ross: “Another friend of yours Shaykh Hamza?” 

Commentator Hamza Yusuf: “No, God no! That is late 90s Yasir Qadhi. I would have loved to have taught him a thing or two back in the day; but I had neither the time nor the crayons to explain things to him” 

All three Qadhis are now in the ring, Woke Yasir Qadhi, Moderate Yasir Qadhi and Based Yasir Qadhi. [crowd starts chanting: this is awesome!] Based Yasir makes the first move grabbing Woke Yasir by his voluptuously purple hair and throwing him over his head onto the mat. Moderate Yasir grabs Based Yasir by the beard and delivers an uppercut followed through with an Axe Bomber. Sending Based Yasir to the mat. Woke Yasir Qadhi is up on his feet and tries to catch Moderate Yasir Qadhi in a sleeper hold. Moderate Yasir maneuvers turning this into an opportunity for a Canadian Destroyer. Wasting no time, Moderate Yasir, quickly lifts up Woke Yasir Qadhi and sends him flying over the top ropes thus, eliminating the ninth man. Still at ring side Woke Yasir yells out to Moderate Yasir.  

Woke Yasir Qadhi: “You sir are a racist beast. You just hate me because of my Pakistani origin!” [woke Yasir has to be carried out of the arena by security] Distracted by the commotion, Based Yasir Qadhi takes advantage putting Moderate Yasir Qadhi into a Fire Man’s Carry. Shamsi comes up with the intention to use his lower leg to ram it into Moderate Yasir Qadhi’s face. As he does so Shamsi quotes: 

Shams: “The Day in which the shin is revealed!” [as Shamsi rams his lower leg into the face of Moderate Yasir Qadhi]. Meanwhile Abu Khadeejah and Hamza continue wrestling around on the mat. Saajid and Farid continue fighting. Anjem Chowdry is back on his feet. He grabs the microphone. 

Anjem Chowdry: “Mrs. Landisis’s sixth grade class. I sat in the third row next to Teresa Hayes. And it was there that I first discovered alienation and a barren path. The taunting and the badgering by the other kids made me realize the depths of human evil and the dark underbelly of human society. I’d close my eyes and pretend I was someone different, somewhere different. That I wasn’t a misfit. You can’t erase the dream; you can only wake me up. I didn’t care. I never obeyed the rules, because even back then I realized the nothing. Nothing in nature behaves so consistently and rigidly as a human being in pursuit of destruction.”  

ENTRANT 18: Hamza from EDF Dawah 

Hamza comes to the ring and assist Farid. He delivers chops to the chest of Saajid. [The crowd woo woo wooing for each chop]. Abu Khadeejah and Shamsi continue beating down Moderate Yasir Qadhi. Tzortizis comes to assist him. Now two groups in the ring. Abu Khadeejah, Saajid, Shamsi and Based Yasir Qadhi and in the other side of the ring, Farid, Hamza from EDF Dawah, Hamza Tzortizis and Moderate Yasir Qadhi. The two forces clash in the centre of the ring. What a great match this is. Lots of high-flying maneuvers, reversals, near falls. [They keep humorously forgetting it is a rumble so they go for the pin, Joe Rogan makes fun cracks about it] Hamza Tzortizis is an absolute machine! He has been in the ring now longer than anyone besides Anjem Chowdry, whom continues his monologue. Shamsi goes outside of the ring and grabs the chair that Shaykh Feiz had earlier. He uses it to crack Hamza Tzortizis open. Hamza is bleeding badly as he staggers around the ring. Abu Khadeejah takes advantage of a bewildered Hamza from the EDF Dawah team as he and Based Yasir Qadhi throw EDF Dawah team Hamza over the ring [The 10th man has been eliminated]. Based Yasir Qadhi and Farid exchanges blows. Saajid slinks around the outside of the ring. [Technically he is not eliminated] as he was not thrown over the ring. Moderate Yasir Qadhi comes rushing like a whirlwind towards Based Yasir Qadhi and manages to fling him over his shoulders and toss him out of the ring like a sack of potatoes. [The 11th man has been eliminated] Saajid grabs Moderate Yasir Qadhi and trips him. Proceeds to drag him outside of the ring and beat him with the knuckledusters. Saajid Lipham grabs a hand phone from a kid in the audience, uploads something on teleprompter. It looks like it’s an entire private conversation with Moderate Yasir Qadhi. [The crowd is booing. The buzzer sounds as the next man comes down to the ring]. 

ENTRANT 19: Abu Ibraheem Husnayn 

Abu Ibraheem Husnayn rushes to ring side to join in on the beating of Moderate Yasir Qadhi. Shamsi on top of the rope getting ready to deliver a devastating elbow to brother Farid. Meanwhile Abu Khadeejah seizes the opportunity to run up and grab Shamsi with a Hurricanrana and sends him face down into the mat. Saajid throws Moderate Yasir Qadhi back into the ring. Shamsi is back up off the mat and is hot! He starts in on Abu Khadeejah. 

Shamsi: “I’ve been waiting for this moment, Abu Khadeejah! circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner. Now, *I* am the master.”  

Abu Khadeejah responds: “Only a master of riya” [As he says this Abu Ibraheem Husanayn rolls up Shamsi from behind and hits him with a Code Breaker].  

Meanwhile Farid and Saajid double team Moderate Yasir Qadhi, and Farid hits Moderate Yasir Qadhi with a tombstone. Abu Khadeejah and Abu Ibraheem Husnayn take a badgered Hamza Tzortizis and dump him over the top rope onto the canvas. [the 12th man has been eliminated as the boos from the crowd grow louder].  

Anjem Chowdry: “The earth is full of kings and queens. They’ll blind your eyes and steal your dreams. Kurt Cobain didn’t make it and it left behind a generation of tortured souls. Anguish, fear, and sorrow, are emotions we all feel, but never more strongly than in our adolescence. When just having an acne-rabid skin can mean a lifetime of loneliness. One’s acceptance by others is a barometer of one’s popularity. If one is different, a misfit, maybe unattractive, unathletic, one is in for a lifetime of cruelty and suffering, that will traumatize you permanently. You see scars are souvenirs you never loose. The past is never far. You can try to repress it. You can try to hold it back. You can try to deny it. But it will still continue to grow… stronger, and stronger. It’s like a malignant cancer, that can’t be satiated. Each of us manifests our pain in different manners. Whether it’s three in the morning in bed with tears in one’s eye. Whether it’s a need to destroy everything beautiful, or just simply shutting one’s self off from society. My father never gave me what I needed, so I understand what it’s like to do without. They should understand this. They should give what’s needed. I can see this. I can feel their pain. Why can’t they understand? We live by three: The Qur’an, the Sunnah and A Child Called “It” by Dave Pelzer. Read it and you’ll understand.”  

ENTRANT 20: Adnan Rashid  

Adnan Rashid jogs down to the ring and is immediately pounced on by Abu Khadeejah and Abu Ibraheem Husnayn. Adnan shakes them off and immediately goes after Anjem Chowdry. After a series of vicious chops, Adnan hits Anjem Chowdry with a Pedigree. Adnan gets ready to throw Anjem Chowdry over the ropes until he is stunned by a viscous bite on his neck delivered by Saajdi. Stunned, Adnan is being brutally curbed stomped by Abu Khadeejah, Abu Ibrahim, and Saajid. Meanwhile, Shamsi is back up fighting with Farid and Moderate Yasir Qadhi.  

[There seems to be a commotion in the audience. The fans are pointing up. A man is using a rope to repel down from the raptors towards the centre of the ring. Meanwhile, another man wearing a Santa Claus outfit is seen coming out from under the ring!]  

The man repels down to the ring and unties the rope from his harness. He is wearing a hoodie and is slowly and dramatically pulling back the hoodie to reveal his face the crowd. [gasp].  

Commentator Jim Ross: “I have no idea who this is but business is about to pick up.”  

Commentator Joe Rogan: “Jeez! Is that an anorexic Bill Goldberg? Looks like he lost 70lbs” 

Commentator Hamza Yusuf: “I think I recognize him. He wrote me once wanting to debate or something [rolls eyes].”  

Commentator Jim Ross: “I just received a memo that it is none other than Pastor James White from the Phoenix Reformed Baptist Church what the hell is he doing here?!”  

Pastor James White removes his hoodie only to reveal a shirt underneath that reads: “Team Adnan!” [The crowd erupts!] The other man wearing a Santa attire is also now in the ring! As the Camera zooms in it is revealed that it is none other than Mufti Abu Layth!!! Everyone in the ring is now encircling Pastor White and Abu Layth. Abu Layth charges forth grabbing Abu Ibraheem and delivers a beautiful Michinoku Driver! Saajid takes a swipe at Pastor White who dodges and delivers a Choke Slam to Saajid. Abu Khadeejah rakes the eyes of Pastor White. Pastor White grabs hold of Abu Khadeejah delivering a swinging neck breaker!  

Commentator Jim Ross: “If Pastor White hadn’t showed up who knows what would have happened. Those three individuals were not just trying to hurt Adnan – they were out to end his career!”  

Adnan Rashid: “Thanks James, I owe you one.”  

James White: “I would love to stick around, really but I must rejoin the rest of the fleet in the Laurentian System.” [A puzzled Adnan Rashid looks on as James White seemingly phases out of material existence. But to where?] 

Commentator Joe Rogan: “Yeah that just happened.”  

[The buzzer sounds entrant 21 approaches.] 

ENTRANT 21: Dawah Man! Imran Ibn Mansur! 

Dawah man runs with such vigor and passion into the ring and immediately sets sights on a beleaguered Adnan Rashid. [Poor Adnan Rashid. Just when he thought he was safe. Out of the frying pan and into the Dawah!] Meanwhile, Mufti Abu Layth lifts Abu Ibraheem and throws him out of the ring.  

Commentator Jim Ross: “It doesn’t count as an elimination! Abu Layth is not a legal man.”  

Commentator Hamza Yusuf: “I don’t think he’s legal anywhere.” 

Mufti Abu Layth grabs the mic: “You Abu Ibraheem no likey Santa Claus? You don’t like Mawlid Nabi Isa? You naughty naughty! You teasing me!”  

Suddenly Farid Responds with a Scorpion Death Drop on Mufti Abu Layth. [receives a huge pop in the audience as the down with the clown chants start]. Farid slaps a Scorpion Death Lock on Abu Layth(whom is withering in agony).  

Mufti Abu Layth: “Please Farid I was just clowning around, aaahh”  

Farid: “I don’t think so little man.” [Farid bends Abu Layth’s torso so far back it looks like it’s about to snap!]  

Commentator Jim Ross: “Bah Gawd that man has a family.”  

Commentator Hamza Yusuf: “Play silly games win silly prizes.”  

Commentator Joe Rogan: “We really need to get security out here. That man’s about to pass out!”  

After Abu Layth passes out, Farid takes Abu Layth’s limp body to the top corner of the ring and power bombs him outside of the ring!” Medics arrive on the scene and Abu Layth is taken out on a stretcher. Security form a barrier around the ring so that no more outside interference is allowed. Farid grabs the mic, bringing his index finger to his lips. 

Farid Responds: “Shhh good night, Santa Claus. I’d also like to take this time to heap praise upon a brilliant Ikwani Muslim, Fadel Solimon for a brilliant work titled, 10 Qira’At of the Noble Qur’An….you see [Farid is rudely interrupted as Shamsi grabs him and throws him into the corner.]  

Shamsi: “I don’t want to hear anymore from the likes of Fadel Solimon, or the Ikwani, or any of this nonsense. Qur’an wa Sunnah wa Disney Plus!” [Dawah Man yanks the microphone from Shamsi]. 

Dawah Man: “Who gave you the authority to speak about the Qur’an and Sunnah? You no beard having, crunchy lizard looking upstart! You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel. The Vikings said there are two types of people without beards, women and boys, which are you?” [Shamsi’s face turns red as tears stream down his cheeks and he proceeds to throw wild haymakers at Dawah Man.]  

Meanwhile, Moderate Yasir Qadhi gets himself to his feet and before Anjem Chowdry can rant any further, Moderate Yasir Qadhi sends him flying over the rope with a vicious clothesline. [The crowd erupts as the 13th man has been eliminated]. Adnan Rashid is absolutely hammering Abu Khadeejah as he begins to lift up Abu Khadeejah over the top rope, (like a coiled viper ready to strike), Saajid pushes Adnan Rashid over as well. [Double elimination. Abu Khadeejah & Adnan Rashid] As Saajid turns around, he is met with a kick to the stomach from Abu Ibraheem Husanayn. Just as Abu Ibraheem was about to go to work on Saajid, Moderate Yasir Qadhi comes in with the save!  

Moderate Yasir Qadhi: “You know Saajid, I forgive you. Releasing the private conversations. A man’s gotta eat, a channel’s gotta get clicks. Just know that forgiveness is from the Sunnah.” [Saajid looks down at the mat ashamed as the crowd turns their attention to the buzzer.] 

ENTRANT 22: Jonathan A.C Brown.  

Jonathan A.C Brown runs to the ring like a man possessed! [He drops Saajid, as Moderate Yasir Qadhi tries to stop him.] Jonathan A.C Brown does a triple cartwheel and double back flip and lands on the top rope. He throws caution to the wind as he uses his own body as a missile to come crashing down on Dawah Man, Farid and Shamsi.  

Commentator Joe Rogan: “Somebody call Batman because we just found the Boy Wonder.” 

Commentator Hamza Yusuf: “Jonathan be nibble, Jonathan be quick, Jonathan jump over the candle stick!”  

Jonathan up on his feet turns around to see an incoming Abu Ibraheem Husanayn. Jonathan dives through the ropes only to greet Abu Ibraheem with the ground and pound. Shamsi is laid out in the corner as Dawah Man turns his vitriolic on Farid.  

Dawah Man: “You, you Farid schmoozing up with the Ikwanis! Why you on your channel promoting Star Bucks Yeah? You know the logo is of a Mythical Greek Siren. Her hair didn’t always cover her breast! Up until 1987 they used to show her breast! She was spreading her tail open for the whole world! Ya Akhi this is no good! You going to be driving one-night, live streaming and get into a car accident and die. You will die with that damnable cursed cup of that mythical Greek siren in your hands! It’s poisonous fluids emasculating your soul! You really think Ahmad Ibn Hanbal would be drinking that filth yeah? Definitely not! Off the manhaj! The people who make snowmen, make figures, the people who drink Starbucks, and the hypocrites will be in the lowest part of the hellfire! You probably one of them Muslims who believe there is no wrong side of the bread to put the peanut butter on innit? Sick!”  

ENTRANT 23: Mufti Muhammad Ibn Muneer  

Mufti Muneer goes straight for Shamsi! Time to settle some old scores. The two of them start brawling in the ring. Farid and Dawah Man trade blows. Saajid and Moderate Yasir Qadhi going back and forth, trading punches, trading low blows. Abu Ibraheem and Jonathan Brown are rolling around on the mat. [The crowd cannot contain themselves the building is erupting with fluctuations of cheering and booing]  

[crowd in sync with the countdown timer] 

ENTRANT 24: Abu Mussab Wajdi Akkari. [The place has exploded with excitement. They have no clue what to do or how to process this.] 

The wrestlers don’t really notice. They keep brawling. They’ve all been beaten severely. Abu Mussab turns his attention upon Mufti Muhammad Ibn Muneer. Shamsi is breathless as Mufti Muneer delivers offence with technical precision. Abu Mussab grabs Mufti Muneer with the Belly to Back Suplex. As Mufti Muneer gets up Abu Mussab hits him with the Shining Wizard. [Abu Mussab just taunting Mufti Muneer to get back up]. As Mufti gets up dazed and confused, here comes Abu Mussab off the top rope with the 450 splash! Shamsi picks up Mufti Muneer as Abu Mussab sends Mufti Muneer over the top rope with a drop kick! [16th man eliminated] Abu Mussab signals Shamsi to unfold the chair. Abu Ibraheem Husanayn sends Jonathan A.C Brown towards the chair, as Abu Mussab trips Jonathan sending his head right into the chair cracking him open! This is just brutal! The EMTs are on standby to help them.  Abu Mussab, Abu Ibrahim and Shamsi come to assist Saajid. Moderate Yasir Qadhi is getting absolutely destroyed. Abu Ibraheem with a Power Bomb to Moderate Yasir Qadhi. Diving Elbow Drop on Moderate Yasir Qadhi delivered by Saajid. Abu Mussab grabs the mic:  

Abu Mussab Wajdi Akkari: “We take on all comers. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, Allah has a face, Allah has a foot, Allah has a shin. You know someone is off the manhaj when they go against the Qur’an, the Sunnah [Or Saudi Arabia yells Shamsi] yes, yes I was coming to that, or says anything against Saudi Arabia.” Farid is lying exhausted in the corner, soaked in blood and sweat. Dawah Man comes over and snatches the mic from Abu Mussab.  

Dawah Man: “You forgot to add ‘in a way that befits his majesty’. I have had you figured out a long time now Abu Fitnah. Always wondered what was up with your beard! Advertising the Terminator Action figure, exposing this ummah to action figures! Figurines on your YouTube video ‘Turbanators’ and wearing that ridiculous Hat. Who you supposed to be a bald version of Adam Driver in the movie ‘A Winner’s Journey’? Also, what the hell is that smell? You smell like a bag of wet grandmas! 

In your YouTube video ‘Should We Listen to Yasir Qadhi?’ you are wearing your Nike Air Sweater! Millions of children without clothes. You act like you can’t afford the Sunnah! Astaghfirullah! Say, ‘Astaghfirullah Abu Mussab!’ Repent you filthy mubtaadi! You support Nike? Is it? Nike the goddess of Victory? There is only one God! La Ilaha il law lah” [Dawah Man delivers a famouser on Abu Mussab] as Abu Ibraheem and Saajid assist Abu Mussab against Dawah Man.  

ENTRANT 25: Abu Usamah At-Thahabi  

Abu Usamah brings the offence to Shamsi. Gives the T Bone Suplex to Abu Ibraheem. Moderate Yasir Qadhi is back up and Farid drops him with a Russian Leg Sweep. Dawah Man stuns Saajid and has Abu Mussab in the Dragon Sleeper (Abu Mussab furiously taps the canvas). He needs to realize there are no tap outs. You can only eliminate or get eliminated by throwing a man over the top ropes (and his feet hit the canvas outside). A bloodied Jonathan AC Brown is back up. Jonathan and Farid trade clothes lines. They do the double clothesline thing so they’re both out of commission and the fans are focused solely on Dawah Man and Abu Mussab. [The place is buzzing]. Abu Usamah has Shamsi almost over the ropes, but Abu Ibraheem come to assist. Abu Usamah has Abu Ibraheem up over his shoulders and as he climbs to the second rope here comes Shamsi from behind with the opportunistic push. [The 17th and 18th man have been eliminated.] We have 12 men left! Shamsi jumps up and down with excitement. Shamsi quickly turns his attention to Dawah Man. Saajid takes the opportunity to sneak up behind Abu Mussab and deliver a low blow. Abu Mussab turns around shocked and head butts Saajid.  

One of the security guards on the outside of the ring slides in under the ropes and delivers a crushing spear to Abu Mussab. He takes off his glasses and his hat only to be revealed as Justin Beiber!  

Commentator Jim Ross: “By Gawd the Beast Incarnate Justin Beiber has just speared Abu Mussab Wajdi Akkari. Abu Mussab is broken in half.”  

Commentator Joe Rogan: “This is unreal!”  

Commentator Hamza Yusuf: “Indeed it is but after today I am a Belieber” (as he flashes the peace sign at the cameras)  

Justin Beiber grabs the mic: “That was for a Selena! Keep out of her DMs on Instagram you sick punk!” Justin is escorted out of the ring to a mix of cheers and booing. Abu Mussab is lying on the mat holding his ribs.  

[crowd in sync with the countdown timer] 

ENTRANT 26: Nouman Ali Khan  

He comes to the ring and everyone stops fighting briefly to stare in awe. Nouman Ali Khan grabs the mic to cut a sick promo. 

Nouman Ali Khan: “Now I dunno about you people but I am sick and tired of the self-righteousness out there. If a man wants to have more than one wife that is perfectly permissible in this deen! In fact, let me hold up four fingers as I take this mic with the left hand and send a shout out to two of my ninjas out there in the audience.”  

[Camera’s pan around in the audience to detect the Nature Boy Rick Flair standing up giving the four fingers and beside him Andrew Tate]. [Crowd erupts into chants of ‘This is Awesome’] 

Nouman Ali Khan: “Now so what you saw me with my shirt off! I am going to take it off again, right here right now, because if Mohamed Hijab can do it so can I! In fact, my forth coming book ‘Human Like Me’ addresses the self-righteousness of this community. Right now, in this ring I am surrounded by Cockalorums, Snollygosters, and Ninnyhammers! If you don’t know what it means I suggest you consult Shaykh Google like you always do! I am the N.A.K and the A stands for ‘Alpha’ and right now the Alpha shark says its NAK time!”  

NAK goes absolutely ballistic on everyone in the ring. He is a one-man army! [The crowd cannot control themselves, they are on their feet chanting, “NAKs a Chad!”]  

Moderate Yasir Qadhi and NAK come face to face. Moderate Yasir Qadhi extends his hand (as if to intend an alliance). Nak takes his hand, kicks Moderate Yasir Qadhi in the stomach and delivers a Diamond Cutter! [The crowd erupts]. Saajid has Abu Mussab in the corner. Saajid keeps ramming his head into the ribs of Abu Mussab. Abu Mussab still reeling from that spear, delivered by Justin Beiber. A desperate Abu Mussab reaches forward and grabs a clump of Saajid’s hair pulling it out the socket! What a viscous act of self-defense! Saajid on the mat reeling in pain and holding on to his scalp! NAK with a Death Valley Driver delivered to Jonathan AC Brown. NAK and Farid attacking Shamsi in the corner. Dawah man goes over to an injured Saajid and starts in with the Dawah roasting: 

Dawah Man: “And you Saajid. I always make sure when I leave your presence to sprinkle a little salt n pepper on my back so it goes down well. You feel me? You lil backbiter! Fastest way to lose weight is to get on your bad side! You can chomp a man down to size! I hear you are a real ‘G’ on Roblox. Creating multiple accounts on Roblox and telling lil kids their character looks basic. Grieving lil kids. You are a real Philanthropist. Creating Smurf accounts on Call of Duty and recking noobs! You think you’re a big man huh?” 

Dawah Man applies the Sharp Shooter onto Saajid. Shamsi knees Dawah Man in the face for the save. 

ENTRANT 27: Daniel Haaiqatjou. [The fans pop like crazy] 

Commentator Joe Rogan: “I need him on podcast!” 

Commentator Jim Ross: “Finally! A Son of Texas is in the house! The Edge lord!”  

Commentator Hamza Yusuf: “Somewhere right now Linda Sarsour is popping some Xanax.”  

He enters the ring and the place is going wild!! No one ever thought they would see the Texas Edge Lord! He grabs the mic: 

Daniel Haaqiqatjou: “The truth has come and the falsehood has vanished. I am the Edge Lord. Here to separate the Men from the Soy Boys. If any of you Low T’s want some come get some!”  

Wasting no time Daniel rushes towards Jonathan Ac Brown and puts him outstretched on his back. Going to the corner of the ring, Daniel see’s Moderate Yasir Qadhi coming in from behind, turns around and delivers a Brain Buster to Moderate Yasir Qadhi. He delivers a Muscle Buster to Jonathan AC Brown and picks him up and throws him out of the ring. [The 19th man has been eliminated]. This is followed up quickly by a Side Slam followed by a spring board version of the Fisherman’s Suplex and this catapults Moderate Yasir Qadhi out of the ring! [The 20th man has been eliminated]. Daniel comes face to face with NAK and delivers a body slam To Nak. An exhausted Abu Mussab shouts out to the crowd, “Underoos!”  

Suddenly a fan jumps over the barricade, he pepper sprays several security guards and throws a hammer into the ring for Abu Mussab. Cameras reveal that it is none other than Hammer Time Wood, David Wood! Abu Mussab uses the hammer to knock Daniel in the back of the head. Abu Mussab signals a thumbs up to David Wood and a wink as David Wood is escorted by police and security out of the building. Abu Mussab grabs the mic.  

Abu Mussab Wajdi Akkari: “Serves you right Daniel! You spend too much time defending Islam and attacking the liberals. Your channel should spend more time attacking fellow Muslims! Also, you need to speak more about Allah’s foot, shin, and his actions, like jogging and laughing.”

Farid comes from the front and delivers a bicycle kick to Abu Mussab. Farid picks Abu Mussab up by his hair and puts him over his shoulders and spins him around and around and around and then tosses him over the rope. Farid grabs the mic. 

Farid Responds: “That was for Palestine! You make me sick!” [The crowd cheers Farid, as the 21st man has been eliminated]

Saajid sneaks up from behind Farid and pushes him into the rope. As Farid bounces back Saajid and Shamsi do a double Gut Wrench Powerbomb. Saajid and Shamsi have Farid up over the ropes. Nak gets up in time to try and save him but is blindsided by Dawah Man. Saajid and Shamsi send Farid over the ropes. [The crowd boos, as the 22nd man has been eliminated]. Saajid, Shamsi and Dawah Man begin to encircle NAK like a pack of ravenous hyenas. The buzzer sounds. 

ENTRANT 28: Ali Dawah  

Ali Dawah makes his way down the ramp riding a little kids Big Wheel. It is blinged out with Diamonds and Silver. Taking his time to the ring he signs merchandise and ask people to like and subscribe to his channel. A dizzy Daniel Haaqiqatjou gets up only to be clotheslined by Shamsi. NAK does a double clothesline on Saajid and Dawah Man and the crowd cheers. Everyone is trying to eliminate Nak, the Chad, but fail. Bodies everywhere on the mat. Nak stands in the middle of the ring flexing and posing. Nak points to Ali Dawah to get in the ring. Ali Dawah continues to sign merchandise and solicit calls for subscribes to his channel.  

Commentator Joe Rogan: “Is he eating grapes?” 

Commentator Jim Ross: “Apparently so, and I thought Golddust was bizarre.” 

Suddenly an energized Daniel gets up and hits NAK with a Rolling Elbow followed by a Snap Suplex. Ali Dawah rolls into the ring and the first thing he notices is a downed Saajid. Ali Dawah pointing to Saajid’s head (referring to the clump of hair pulled out by Abu Mussab earlier) and starts laughing hysterically. This angers Saajid who delivers a Swinging Neck Breaker to Ali Dawah. Shamsi and Daniel brawl for a bit. This Rumble is not stale like so many in the past. The ratings on social media are through the roof! Nak has Dawah Man on the second rope about to throw him over, but Dawah Man twist this into a Drop Cradle and brings Nak to the mat! Ali Dawah is up on his feet and spits on Saajid. Saajid is visibly disgusted and tries to wipe bits of grape off his face. Ali Dawah hits Saajid with the curb stomp but Saajid is unfazed. [The place is buzzing recalling various feuds between Ali and Saajid]. Ali Dawah tries to eliminate Saajid but the buzzer is about to go off and introduce the 29th man. 

[crowd in sync with the countdown timer] 

ENTRANT 29: Ustaz Abdul Rahman  

Ustaz Abdul Rahman enters the ring and hits Ali Dawah with a Neck Breaker. Both Ustaz Abdul Rahman and Saajid put Ali Dawah in the centre of the ring. They each climb opposite ropes and hit Ali Dawah each with a Shooting Star Press. Ali Dawah has just vomited some grapes he ate earlier all over the mat! Saajid is disgusted and kicks Ali Dawah in the head. They both turn their attention to Daniel, and they both assist Shamsi. Shamsi and Ustaz Abdul Rahman send Daniel into the ropes and down him with a devastating clothes line. Dawah Man is up on the top ropes and hits NAK with a Seated Senton! Ustaz Abdul Rahman tells Dawah Man, “Let me show you how it is done.” He goes to throw Nak over but Nak reverses it and now it is Ustaz Abdul Rahman dangling by a thread. A single pinky finger holds onto the ropes. His left foot is planted firmly on the floor. It is going down! Nak’s time has come! But no! Abdul Rahman gets a grip and skins the cat to get back into the ring. Nak lays out Ustaz Abdul Rahman, He lays out Saajid, he lays out Shamsi and the place has erupted as the last man comes down to the ring. Who will be the 30th man? 

ENTRANT 30: Mohamed Hijab!!! [The place has erupted again! Huge pop for Hijab as he rushes down to the ring] We are down to nine men! One of these men will be, ‘The One Upon the Manhaj’.  

Hijab dashes into the ring. He stuns Shamsi, He stuns Abdul Rahman, he stuns Saajid, he stuns Dawah Man and he comes face to face with NAK. Mohamed Hijab see’s that NAK is without a shirt. Hijab takes his shirt off. He grabs the mic!  

Mohamed Hijab: “Finally the Hijab has come back to WEMBLEY STADIUM” [The crowd is absolutely nuts]  

Mohamed Hijab: “Yes, yes, and I have a message to all the lil Madkhalites in the audience. You’re finished! You’re Finished! C’mon everyone ‘Not East, Not West Islam is the Best’. ” [Half the crowd starts chanting, ‘Not East Not West Islam is the Best’ the other half are booing]

Mohamed Hijab: “Oh really? We have people booing against Islam is the best? Sounds like we have some Madhkhalite who still wet the bed among us!” Nak grabs the mic from Hijab.  

Nouman Ali Khan: “I’ve got some nasheeha for you Hijab. Why don’t you keep the slogans but lose the body fat.” [NAK looks down at Hijab’s tummy as the crowd starts laughing]. This sets Hijab off and the two of them start battling.  Hijab hits NAK with a Clothesline From Hell. This is followed by a Superman Punch. Nak staggers back into Daniel whom bends down to allow NAK to tumble over his back into the ropes. Hijab is up on the Ropes and hits Nak with the Harlem Hangover. Just before Daniel can shake the ropes while Hijab is on it. Ali Dawah slides out of the ring and grabs some little kids drink (who starts crying). Ali drinks the kids drink (presumably to clear up the vomit from earlier). He trips Saajid who is up and drags him outside of the ring. While the battle continues in the ring Saajid and Ali battle outside the ring.  

They battle outside the ring, in the back, outside the arena even. It is a hard-core match at times too. Trash cans, chairs, it gets down right personal. Ali Dawah grabs a soda from a child in the audience, he takes a few sips and then throws the drink in Saajid’s face. Ali Dawah keeps laughing at Saajid’s hair (or bald patch). Eventually they make their way back into the ring and Ali hits Saajid one last time with a chair to the skull. Saajid is dazed. Ali then grabs Saajid by the head, lobs him over the top rope, but Saajid has both his hands around Ali’s wrist. Ali is only holding on to Saajids hair. Suddenly Ali has a huge clump of Saajid’s hair as Saajid goes tumbling to the ring. [The 23rd man has been eliminated]. Ali Dawah is laughing and sticking out his tongue at Saajid as Shamsi comes up behind him delivering a powerful German Suplex sending Ali’s body flying like a rag doll across the ring. Daniel hits Hijab with a Tazplex. Ustaz Abdul Rahman hits Dawah man with a Lionsault. Hijab is up on his feet and hits NAK with a clothes line. He picks up NAK and tosses him over the rope. [The 24th man has been eliminated the crowd boos. Yet they show appreciation for NAK by chanting, ‘You’re still a Chad’] Daniel tries to give the five moves of doom to Hijab who is unfazed. So, Daniel brings out the sixth move of doom but it too doesn’t work. Daniel uses the Mandible Claw on Hijab.  

Commentator Joe Rogan: “Oh this is just gross.”  

Commentator Jim Ross: “Mankind, Dude Love and Cactus Jack would all be proud!” 

Commentator Hamza Yusuf: “The objective of the ‘Mandible Claw’ is to shove one’s hand into an opponent’s mouth, forcing his fingers into the soft tissue under the tongue, causing pain and temporary paralysis.” 

Shamsi and Ustaz Abdul Rahman are ganging up on Dawah Man. They then turn their attention to Daniel and Hijab. Ustaz Abdul Rahman hits Daniel with the Three Amigos. Shamsi gets Hijab up and hits Hijab with three tomb stones. Hijab kicks out of each one of them even though there are no pin falls. Hijab still chocked up after having Daniel’s fingers down his throat. He is visibly dazed. Ustaz Abdul Rahman hits Hijab with the Three Amigos. Shamsi has Hijab up on the third rope. Hijab is dazed. Ustaz Abdul Rahman is knelt down in front of the ropes as Shamsi goes back and forth between the ropes running and picking up steam. Shamsi jumps up on Ustaz Abdul Rahmam’s clasped hands to knock Hijab off the top rope but before he can do so Ali Dawah jumps in front of Shamsi taking the hit for Hijab. [The crowd is going wild] 

Ali Dawah is out cold. Ustaz Abdul Rahman and Shamsi both lift up Ali Dawah and throw him over the top rope. [The 25th man has been eliminated]. Dawah Man is up and he pushes Shamsi into Ustaz Abdul Rahman who hits his head on the ring post only to be met by Daniel. Daniel kisses Ustaz Abdul Rahman on the forehead and hits him with the Sister Abagail. Clearly drained Daniel struggles to pick up Ustaz Abdul Rahman. Abdul Rahman scratches Daniel in the eyes. Hijab see’s this and delivers a Superman Punch to Shamsi and quickly comes over and pushes Ustaz Abdul Rahman over the top rope. [The 26th man has been eliminated].  

This is what it has come downed to!! 

Hijab in one corner. Daniel in one corner. Shamsi in one corner. Dawah Man in one corner. Who will be the one upon the manhaj?  

At this time Shamsi and Dawah Man get back up and resume brawling. Shamsi hits Dawah Man with a Death Valley Driver. Hijab hits Daniel with a Samoan drop. Hijab comes over to Shamsi grabs him throws him into the ropes and as he bounces back Hijab picks him up and lets him go crashing down on the canvas. Shamsi is exhausted and breathless. Hijab musters the strength to hit Shamsi with a Batista bomb. Shamsi cannot stand. Hijab picks up Shamsi and tosses him over the ring as he falls back to the canvas. [The 27th man has been eliminated and the crowd is on their feet.] Daniel hits Dawah man with the Chokeslam from hell. This is followed up with a Cesaro Swing. Dawah man is tossed like a rag doll across the ring. Daniel gets to work on Hijab.  

The biggest threat in this Dawah that Daniel has ever seen was right in front of him. Hijab has eliminated legends. But there was one legend he could not beat. Daniel! Fans don’t know how to process this as it is proper good. So much is on the line.  Hijab and Daniel wrestle for a good 20 minutes. It is a war!  

Daniel hits Hijab with a Tomb Stone Pile Driver. Hijab gets up and Daniel sends him into the ropes. Hiijab hits Daniel with Sweet Chin Music. Daniel gets up and hits Hijab with a DDT. Hijab gets dropped. Daniel picks up Hijab and has him over the ropes but Hijab holds on to Daniel’s tights. Daniel is on the third rope about to suplex Hijab. Dawah man sees his opportunity.  

Dawah man rushes over with purpose and conviction. He knocks the both of them off the top rope!  

He drops to his knees and cries. There are fireworks and pyro technics. The One Upon the Manhaj sign is lowered to the floor and Imran Ibn Mansur hugs it. [ 90,000 people on are their feet. Everyone is applauding, cheering, crying, booing and celebrating.] 

Here is your winner and the man who will go on to boast for years to come as the ‘One Upon the Manhaj‘. IMRAN IBN MANSUR AKA DAWAH MAN!!  

Good night from all of us at Wembley Stadium!

Eliminations. 

1 Abu Iyyad Amjad Rariq eliminated by Shaykh Feiz Mohammad 

2 Brother Haji eliminated by (Saajid Lipham & Shamsi) 

3 Shaykh Uthman ibn Farooq eliminated by Hamza Tzortizis 

4 Abu Hakim Bilal Davis eliminated by Hamza Tzortizis 

5 Abdul Hamid (Hyde Park Dawah) eliminated by Abu Khadeejah 

6 Ahmad Saboor eliminated by (Shamsi & Shaykh Assim Hakeem) 

7 Sheikh Feiz Mohamed eliminated by (Shamsi & Shaykh Assim Hakeem & Abu Khadeejah) 

8 Shaykh Assim Hakeem eliminated by Hamza Tzortizis 

9 Woke Yasir Qadhi eliminated by Moderate Yasir Qadhi 

10 EDF Hamza eliminated by (Abu Khadeeja & Based Yasir Qadhi) 

11 Based Yasir Qadhi eliminated by Moderate Yasir Qadhi 

12 Hamza Tzortizis eliminated by (Abu Khadeeja & Abu Ibraheem Husnayn) 

13 Anjem Chowdry eliminated by Moderate Yasir Qadhi 

14 & 15 Abu Khadeejah and Adnan Rashid double elimination by Saajid Lipham 

16 Mufti Muhammad Ibn Muneer eliminated by Abu Mussab Wajdi Akkari. 

17 & 18 Abu Usamah At-Thahabi & Abu Ibraheem Husanayn double elimination by Shamsi. 

19 Jonathan AC Brown eliminated by Daniel Haaiqatjou. 

20 Moderate Yasir Qadhi eliminated by Daniel Haaiqatjou 

21 Abu Mussab Wajdi Akkar eliminated by Farid Responds. 

22 Farid Responds eliminated by Shamsi and Saajid Lipham) 

23 Saajid Lipham eliminated by Ali Dawah 

24 Nouman Ali Khan eliminated by Mohamed Hijab 

25 Ali Dawah eliminated by Shamsi and Ustaz Abdul Rahman 

26 Ustaz Abdul Rahman eliminated by Mohamed Hijab 

27 Shamsi is eliminated by Mohamed Hijab 

28 & 29 Mohamed Hijab and Daniel Haaiqatjou double elimination by Dawah Man 

6 Comments

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6 responses to “Salafiyyah Royal Rumble: Who is upon the Manjah? (Parody)

  1. Toby

    Ha !!!!! This is truly one of the most amusing things I have read in a very long time. If only such a battle would take place.

  2. Toby

    Dare one ask were Dr Timothy Winter (Abdal Hakim Murad) might be found at such an event ?

    • If he was at such an event it would be for one of two reasons.
      1) To try and talk them out of it.
      2) To inquire why the hell Shaykh Hamza Yusuf is there!

  3. Toby

    I mean this in the kindest spirit possible, but why do so many young Salafi preacher resemble rather aggressive former gym trainers ?

    • LoL it is a fair question. There are various reasons.

      Those of them who are close to Ikwan Ul Muslmeen are only following the advise of Imam Shahid Hassan Al Banna, who suggested Muslim men start a regimen, an exercise practice so they are fit in body and mind.

      Also, to be fit for any imminent conflict, you can’t imagine Mahdi want’s a bunch of over weight guys on the squad.

      The other reason is indeed some of them spent dime in and out of jail/prison and so they most likely bulked up there.

      The other reason is related to the first, but simply for health.

      Another reason is that if you are going around issuing threats to other people, and outing other Muslims as being out of the fold of Islam it is very possible one could expect a physical attack or attempt on one’s life.

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