“O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah ; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful.” (Qur’an 49:12)
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“As salamu alaykum. I am writing to you about my fiancée. He is a very pious Muslim and he recently asked about my past. To be more clear he asked about my sexual history and this made me very uncomfortable. I thought when we convert to Islam all our previous sins are forgiven.”
Dear respected sister, walakum salam wr wb, you are correct that when you enter into Islam all of your past mistakes, sins, errors are erased from Allah (swt). The question of your future husband is coming from a place of possible jealousy, which is natural and also from a place of safety, which is fair.
It is important for one to understand that sins can be forgiven and this relates to the afterlife. You will not be punished. However, there are some sins that carry effects in this life. That is why you will still feel the effects of sin in this life.
We address this here:
Do allow us to elaborate. Anyone who has a sexual history prior to marriage owes it to themselves as well as to their future spouse to at the very least get a blood test done.
Your past is your past and, yes, it is wrong for your future husband to inquire about it. He may ask if you are a virgin, and you can answer if you wish or not. However, going into details about your past or pressing you further is out of bounds.
What you could propose and what we would suggest to you and any converted Muslim ever faced with this question is the following: First, be unwavering in your commitment to Allah (swt) and assure your future spouse of this. Be unwavering in your resolve that your past is your past. However, what you could propose is that both you and your spouse take a blood test and share the results. This way, your honour and his/her honour are all either protected or brought into question in a way that is fair and just to both parties.
The reason we say this is that people who are born and raised as Muslims, even in righteous households, also get up to nonsense and haram things. There are people who have all the outward signs of an observant Muslim but inside their hearts are very dark. Allah (swt) knows best. So it is also possible that your fiancée has a past that you do not know about.
So our advice to you ladies and gentlemen is to give a very firm and diplomatic response.
Q: “Are you a virgin?” A: “I appreciate your concern and to put your mind at ease I can propose that we both take a blood test to ensure that we are both safe.”
To the brothers reading this, it is a woman’s prerogative if she wishes to answer that question or not. This is not about a person having a sexual past. There are those who have been molested or sexually violated and asking them about their past brings up trauma that they have moved beyond.
If the question is repeated, you can offer the same response. If the question is a dealbreaker for that individual, you can simply walk away from it, and Allah (swt) will open other doors for you. Insh’Allah.
So, on that note to any brothers/sisters reading this who do have a past, we would urge you to get tested for your own sake and for that of your future spouse or any children you have.
In Islam, protection of one’s lineage (ḥifẓ al-nasl / ḥifẓ al-nasab) is considered one of the five essential objectives of the Sharīʿah (maqāṣid al-sharīʿah). These objectives are:
- Protection of religion (ḥifẓ al-dīn)
- Protection of life (ḥifẓ al-nafs)
- Protection of intellect (ḥifẓ al-ʿaql)
- Protection of lineage/progeny (ḥifẓ al-nasl)
- Protection of wealth (ḥifẓ al-māl)
If you have an unfortunately positive blood test, you do not despair because you may find a partner that is in a similar situation, and you can both try to adopt children or be surrogate parents. You may also embrace the fullness of all life has to offer without having children.
Again, your fiancée does have the right to ask that question, and you have the right to answer yes/no or as we proposed, a diplomatic response. Some people may see your lack of a yes/no response as not being forthright. They say to offer a diplomatic response is to be ambiguous. We do not agree with that. The reason we propose that type of response is that to ask that question is to question your honour, and you likewise have the right to question their honour.
Also, if you start off a relationship having even the smallest seed of distrust or doubt, it is best to back off altogether. Relationships, especially marriages, are built upon trust.
Allah (swt) knows best and the help of Allah (swt) is sought.
You may be interested in the following:
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May Allah Forgive the Ummah.
Prima Quran 