“O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah ; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful.” (Qu’ran 49:12)
“As salamu alaykum. I am writing to you about my fiancee. He is a very pious Muslim and he recently asked about my past. To be more clear he asked about my sexual history and this made me very uncomfortable. I thought when we convert to Islam all our previous sins are forgiven.”
Dear respected sister, walakum salam wr wb, you are correct that when you enter into Islam all of your past mistakes, sins, errors they are erased before Allah (swt). The question from your future husband is coming from a place of possible jealousy, which is natural and also safety, which is fair.
Do allow me to elaborate. Anyone who has a sexual history prior to marriage owes it to themselves as well as to their future spouse to at the very least get a blood test done.
Your past is your past and yes it is wrong for your future husband to inquire about it. He may ask if you are a virgin and you can answer if you wish or not. However, going into details about your past or pressing you further is out of bounds.
What you could propose and what I would suggest to you and any convert Muslim ever faced with this question is the following: First, be unwavering to your commitment to Allah (swt) and assure your future spouse of this. Be unwavering in your resolve that your past is your past. However, what you could propose is that both you and your spouse to take a blood test and share the results. This way your honour and his/her honour is all either protected or brought into question in a way that is fair and just.
The reason I say this is because people who are born and raised Muslims, even in righteous households also get up to nonsense and haram things. There are people who have all the outward signs of an observant Muslim but inside their hearts are very dark and nasty. Allah (swt) knows best. So it is also possible that your fiancee has a past that you do not know about.
So my advise to you ladies and gentleman is give a very firm and diplomatic response.
Q: “Are you a virgin?” A: “I appreciate your concern and to put your mind at ease I can propose that we both take blood test to ensure that we are both safe.”
If the question is repeated you can offer the same response. If the question is a deal breaker for that individual, you can simply walk away from it, and Allah (swt) will open other doors for you. Insh’Allah.
So on that note to any brothers/sisters reading this who do have a past I would urge you to get tested for your own sake and for that of your future spouse or any children you have.
If you have an unfortunately positive blood test you do not despair because you may find a partner that is in a similar situation and you both can try to adopt children or be surrogate parents.
Again your fiancee does have the right to ask that question and you have the right to answer yes/no or as I proposed a diplomatic response. Some people may see your lack of a yes/no response as not being forthright. To offer a diplomatic response is to be ambiguous. I do not agree with that. The reason I propose that type of response is because to ask that question is to question your honour and you likewise have the right to question their honour.
Also, if you start off a relationship having even the smallest seed of distrust or doubt it is best to back off altogether. Relationships, especially marriages are built upon trust.
Allah (swt) knows best and the help of Allah (swt) is sought.